Where Oh Where Did My Hair Go?
Dear Gail,
I’m a 55-year-old man and losing my hair. I used to have thick brown hair and now, on top, barely a hair. I don’t recognize myself. Should I: shave my head, get a toupee, spring for a costly, painful hair transplant, or watch it fall out?
I assume women prefer a guy with a full head of hair. How much of a turn-off is balding? I still want to look good. Which of my options do you think is best?
Appreciably,
Mr. Future Cue Ball
Dear Mr. Future Cue Ball:
If it’s any consolation, the long, thick, brown hair of my halcyon days is thinner also. I blame menopause. If you haven’t also lost your sex drive you’re way ahead of me.
I love the shaved head look. It is hot, hot, hot and fashion forward. In LA all the man heads in West Hollywood are glistening in the sunlight. I am always tempted to follow one home but getting arrested for stalking stops me. There is shaving maintenance as stubble on top is not hot. Remember to wear a hat during the day to protect your sexy shiny head from skin cancer. Dude, there had to be a downside.
Just say “no” to a toupee as they can look like a hair hat! Yesterday I was behind one in Starbucks and tempted to pull it off and try it on but not quite my shade of brown. It looked real at first but upon my very close inspection it was not. I’m sure the guy thought I was a perv or about to give him a hickey. They never look authentic enough to be a turn-on.
Hair transplant, you say? Ouch, ouch and big ass bucks 4k – 15k. Apparently they work by taking hair from the back of your head and surgically replanting it in the front. Reading about it made me nauseous. The procedure can take between four to six hours…queasy yet? The transplanted hair later falls out and hopefully new hair grows in its place. Any plusses are negated by possible infection, failure to grow and poverty.
I will give you one very important piece of advice. NEVER EVER succumb to a comb over or swirl. Women will flee in droves and I’d join them.
So You Think You’re Funny…
Dear Gail,
I recently decided I want to be a comedian because all my friends are constantly telling me how funny I am and that I should do stand-up. I think I have a great sense of humor and the compliments are ego boosting. Do you have advice as to how to get started in the field? Coincidentally I would love to give notice at my job and get going! I’m ready.
Sandra
Dear Sandra:
First and most importantly don’t quit your day job. Secondly, you are not ready regardless of your ego. Sorry, darling, but everyone thinks they’re funny. I thought I was hysterical as did my friends but still not proof. I took every class in stand-up and storytelling at Second City in Chicago. In fact, I took them twice, as COVID absconded with my sense of humor.
I was not the only funny one in any of those classes! Second City Chicago is a shrine to the best comedians that ever hit a stage. Tough footprints in which to step. It was hard creating funny material every week. I was the oldest student by decades, which was disconcerting as the idea of being thought of as “Mom” or “Nana” was embarrassing. I think they all wanted to run or die when I did a routine about blow jobs.
Watch your comedic heroes carefully. I worship Dave Chappelle and his “living room casual” style. I try hard to emulate that when I am on stage. And speaking of stage, it’s a leap of fear, terror and unspeakable faith to stand on one and utter a word, no less be funny. Personally, I like being up there better than real life.
I believe being a good writer is key. You have to pull material together and not ramble on and pray for laughs. My male counterparts at open mics resorted to talking about their genitals when their bits were failing. True and never funny. Open mics are a necessary evil to test drive your routine. I hope you like to stay up really, really late.
Sandra, find classes, open mics, and keep your day job…at least until Colbert books you.
Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com
