Dear Gail: Going Back to College

Going Back to College

Dear Gail:
I’m 58, my kids are grown and out of the house, my husband is retired, and me… I’m thinking about going back to college to get that degree in Irish Literature that I once wanted. I don’t mean online or correspondence courses, I mean actually being on campus and going to classes with kids. What do you think? Would I be throwing myself into too much of an awkward situation?

Appreciatively,
Gladys F.

Dear Gladys:
I say go go go! And take me with you. Leave the hubby behind and be free like a young girl off to her freshman year. I would like to get in the “Wayback Machine” and wake up at the University of Iowa campus again. Pass me the hash pipe and put on Traffic, Hendrix, or the Airplane. There’s no limit to how many pizzas you can have delivered to the dorm or bars you can hit after 11:00pm. I loved school, and was very high.

My second time around I might actually go to English Lit, and not spend the time in the student union following around a mysterious Bob Dylan lookalike and conjuring up ways to have sex with him. He was my first so I decided to pick the hot mystery guy in a leather jacket. I was a clever girl.

It won’t be awkward going to class with all those newbie brains who can actually remember what they read and a real kick in the ass for your intellect. It’s a shot at youth although Irish Literature might be depressing. Spoiler alert – Godot never comes. Please, if you study Ulysses call me with a recap, as I pretend to have read it and only got to page two. The best part is now you don’t have to write your own papers thanks to ChatAI. I wonder if it’s too late to turn in my Pride and Prejudice essay? 

Don’t despair, Gladys because it doesn’t matter if you could be everyone’s mother or nana… Carpe Diem! I hope that means “seize the day.”   
Gail

Phone Sex or Phone Job — You Make the Call

Dear Gail,
The woman I’ve started dating says she would like to have phone sex. She said she almost prefers phone sex to real sex because the real sex in her life lately has been disappointing and often awkward.

I’d like to be able to accommodate her but I feel I’m not very creative verbally. I’m not even sure how to start. Do you start with the obvious, what are you wearing? Do I talk out loud or in a whispering voice like the commentators in pro golf? 

Do you have some suggestions or possibly a script I might follow to read over the phone?

Thanks for any help you can provide.
At a loss for words. 

Dear at a Loss:
Whoa! I am at a loss for words also. This requires very specialized advice and experience. I have neither and lately think more about the climate than sex. Hot or not? And why don’t they call phone sex a “phone job?” Because of your verbal trepidation, you might consider sexting instead. Anthony Weiner took that route, albeit he lost his wife, job and went to jail. His pix ewwwww. It is, however, a lot simpler and only involves typing, not actually having to ask that age-old, over-used and borderline boring phone sex query, “what are you wearing?” I really like your idea of a hushed seductive voice, but truthfully that might make me think more about the 18th hole at Augusta than what I had on.

If someone I was dating called and asked me what I was wearing last December when I was in Chicago I would have cried. Not sure if crying is phone sex hot.

“I am in thick Wigwam wool socks, fleece-lined sweatpants that are ripped and baggy because I also sleep in them, a Uniqlo long-sleeved undershirt, my Friends t-shirt from 1998, black down vest, my ‘inside the house’ down jacket, pink wool hat, Timberland boots, and two different color mittens.”  

Did I have you at wool socks?
Gail

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