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Dear Gail: I’m Fantasizing About the Whole Foods Checkout Girl. Help.

Comedian Gail Forrest offers love advice on oversharing and sexual fantasies — and picks up some tips for herself...

Dear Gail:
I think I might have made a mistake on my first date with Elise, a woman I met on Plenty of Fish. She was smart, funny, blond, and almost looked like her pictures. She was a good listener and I liked her smile. I decided to tell her about my doctor’s appointment that afternoon as a way to share. I thought women liked men who share. I mentioned I had a bad stress test result, an abnormal EKG, combined with a calcium score of over 350. She showed concern. It is concerning. Was that too much sharing? I contacted her for a second date but no word back. I’m a Jewish doctor and a good catch, I thought.

Gail, can you help me out here? Where did I fuck up?

George

Dear George:
I agree Jewish doctors have always been a great catch so when you have a normal EKG find me on Match.

Women these days are “ixnay” on playing nurse. Which darlin’ it sounds like you need but keep that very hush hush. Personally I like to share a favorite book, or movie, not my vital signs. Save health issues for after the wedding. It’s true women like men who share but not reveal…catch my drift? Don’t blame Elise for not getting back to you, as I’d guess she’s busy sharing your calcium score with her girlfriends. Doc, get on the treadmill, put down the guacamole and chips and take advantage of being a Jewish doctor.  Now get out and see a movie so you have something to talk about other than your resting heart rate.

Gail

Dear Gail:
I can only get it up with my 65-year-old girlfriend if I think I’m having sex with the checkout girl at Whole Foods.

Carlos

Dear Carlos:
Thanks for that piece of advice. My 68-year-old guy is so sound asleep at 8:30 that sometimes I check his pulse. And there’s no waking him up for some hot sex even if I dressed up like Princess Leia from Star Wars.  

I love your fantasy idea and it just so happens there is a total hunk of a construction worker renovating my neighbor’s apartment. And to be honest I have become a Peeping Tom. OMG those flat rippling abs send shivers down my spine and other places I forgot about. 

Carlos, I say keep yourself and your girlfriend happy but maybe you should also consider checking out in a different line.

Gail

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

Drawing by Diane Bronstein. 

13 COMMENTS

  1. Love your humorous take and these issues .. you are the modern day Dear Abby with a sexy gun twist …..look forward to reading more

  2. Thanks so much! Hey send in a letter for fun….even make one up and let’s see what I can do with it. I’d love to be the modern day Dear Abby. Ironically I have been getting more letters from men. That’s funny isn’t it?

  3. Now that’s what I call a smashing debut.

    You’re like one of those NYC squeegee guys who runs up to my car and cleans the windshield so I can see clearly, only I actually asked for it and youre not threatening me if I don’t fork over two dollars …. anyway, yes, the DG columns promise to become ICONIC, totally.

  4. Way to go Gail. I think you are on to something here! This could be BIG! Sorry I don’t have a letter for you. I could complain about my aches and pains but my love life is great….

  5. I absolutely love your humor and this Dr. Abby idea is great. I look forward to sharing and reading others stories and your witty reply. I love your response so far.

    • I agree and they forget to ever look in the mirror. Or they have magic mirrors that only reflect them as 25 year old so they go out in the world thinking they are lookin’ good and cool. Yes, read the room for pities sake!

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Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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