Dear Gail: Dating Larry David… Or Roseanne 

Dating Larry David… Or Roseanne 

Dear Gail, 
I’m pushing 70 and still making attempts at companionship. I am dating women in their sixties so was very surprised to receive a note like this. Here is part of a text I got after a single cocktail hour meet up. I thought the date went well. Wrong.  

“Think you would look better with letting your hair grow out — better haircut. Somebody chopped it off in a straight line across! And you probably need caps or something on your teeth. I like your height and you’re funny. You are my type with those adjustments.” 

Should I respond to this text? I was planning on asking her out again before this missive.
7th (decade) grader

Dear 7th Decade:
“Adjustments!” Who talks adjustments after one drink? Were you out with Roseanne or Larry David? I have thought those type of things and worse after a date but stop myself from blurting it out or texting. Is this her idea of foreplay? If a bad haircut and uncapped teeth are deal breakers… good riddance. At least she doesn’t want to adjust your height. And you’d need a sense of humor to read her text. I certainly hope you didn’t run to the dentist or book a haircut. Don’t impulse buy a mouthful of implants for this Cruella de Vil.  I didn’t have a drink with the woman and she’s hurt my feelings. I could use a haircut and teeth cleaning, however.    

This first text could just be batting practice. Next could be the mention of bags under your eyes or the turkey neck she forgot to raise. She’s just warming up, baby.
RUN! 

Cooking the Books and Dating 

Dear Gail:
I had a Match.com date last week and when I walked in the bar to meet her I saw a woman who looked remotely like the picture I had seen. I took a shot and went up to her.  I mentioned that she really didn’t look like the picture she posted. She smiled and admitted that it was her daughter and since everyone said they look alike she decided to post it.

I politely stayed for one drink and excused myself. Is this what dating’s come to? Why would a woman do this?
Disappointed in Phoenix

Dear Disappointed:
This sounds suspiciously like the letter I answered about men who “lie” on their profiles. Apparently profile lying is not gender based. It’s an equal opportunity fib fest. That’s the good news and the bad news. Posting a picture of your daughter and narcissistically thinking you can be mistaken for her is a doozy and delusional. Are all her mirrors cracked or covered?

But I get it, women are age shamed when it comes to dating. Men are usually on the prowl for young hotties, not someone age appropriate. Fudging the numbers a little is fine in my book. There is also the face lift, Botox and filler option to appear younger. I love fillers so I can look in the mirror without bursting into tears. But posting a pix of her daughter is like expecting a diamond but getting a Cubic Zirconia. Her friends mean they look alike, not interchangeable. Her posting was a clever sleight of hand that wasn’t slight.  

Dating has become a game of risk. Are you willing to take one and how big? The only assumption to be made is everyone is cooking the books. Bon Appetit!

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com