Liar Liar Pants on Fire — Dating in 2023
Dear Gail:
I am on a dating site and I specifically state that I don’t go out with people who smoke. An attractive man contacted me and I agreed to a date. I sat down at our table and he reeked of smoke. He said he rarely smoked but happened to have a cigarette earlier. I am not looking for a smoking liar.
How can I trust these dating site guys?
Susan
Dear Susan:
Breaking News – you can’t! Dating site profiles beg and reward people for lying. Hey, he got a date with you didn’t he?
Everyone lies. From my experience, height, weight and age are the biggies. To say nothing of the bar mitzvah pic, a photo from the top of a mountain where the person looks like a teenie tiny dot (hey, dot man, a selfie please), posing in front of a Porsche which may not be his, but click bait, a baseball hat in every photo, think male pattern baldness, and Burnt Umber is not a real hair color.
My rule of thumb is to subtract 1 1/2 inches from a man’s stated height, add 10 lbs to his weight, six years to his age and realize none of the pictures were taken in this century.
Take my advice and do what I used to do when face to face with a liar: dismiss yourself to the bathroom and squish out the window.
One Toke Over the Line Dude
Dear Gail,
I’ve got nothing against marijuana use, but a woman I’m going out with is a stoner — every day after work and all day on the weekends. She tends to ramble on non-intelligibly when really high. On the flip side, she’s bright and perky and a successful businesswoman.
I get stoned with her occasionally, but I can’t keep up. My love of feeling high at this point in my life is iffy as I get paranoid and woozy. I also order out too many pizzas and ravage packages of Oreos.
Should I write this relationship off as a “fun fling”?
Thanks,
Matt F.
Dear Matt F.,
It sounds like you prefer pizza to pot and her. Oreos are fun but they will not sustain a relationship. Bright and perky won’t either if she is stoned a good percentage of the time, and rambles on unintelligibly. Any ramblings about feelings? It sounds like her relationship isn’t with you but her dealer.
I admit pot is back big time. I got high walking past a BMW on Santa Monica Blvd yesterday. In the olden days I would have jumped in, but it’s been fifty years so I kept walking. Nostalgically your letter takes me back to stoner college days when we were always “one toke over the line” and pizza boxes carpeted the dorm rooms. I don’t remember Oreos but sounds like a yummy addition to the stoner menu. Matt, keep in mind you’re not a college freshman anymore.
If you can find the “fun” and the “fling” in your relationship lots of luck. As a long-term serious partnership stick with the Oreos. Peace out, dude.
Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com
Hi Gail all good advice here. Your last posting about the correspondence between MATCH and the obituaries now that was funny. But how is your lovelife if I may ask. Mine sucks. Got any suggestions nuthin but net? James M
It’s tough out there….dating, obits, and a dearth of good prospects add up to nothin’ but nothin’. I feel your pain.
More great advice and out loud laughs. Made my evening
Well glad I could help! Thanks for being a reader as always.
Is this dating advice supposed to be just entertaining or useful as well? I kinda find it unhelpful and juvenile. It seems like the punch-line is always “run!” What happened to discussing any concerns first with the person if they have been on more than a few dates?
I agree Leslie if you have been on more than one date you should try and talk it out. If there are big warning signs/red flashing lights on date one it might not be worth the conversation. As Maya Angelo said “when someone shows you who they are believe them.” I think those are wise prophetic words. I try and balance humor and some personal advice in my answers and have been on enough dating sites to know that “run” is operative advice. I am a comedy writer and stand up at heart so I thank you for reading and commenting.