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Dear Gail: The Great Date Escape

Who pays the check on a bad date? How can a man stop his wife from wreaking havoc in the kitchen? Comedian Gail Forrest offers her wisdom.

Kitchen Accidental

Dear Gail,
My bride is a lovely, intelligent woman. For twenty years now, she and I have faced challenges together and shared in our little triumphs… except in the kitchen.

Given my wife’s dreadful kitchen instincts, I worry that, one day, she will hurt herself in the place defined by sharp things and fire.

What’s a husband to do?

Sincerely,
A Man of a Certain Age Who Prefers Things Done a Certain Way

Dear Man of a Certain Age:
Has your wife accidentally stabbed herself or set herself on fire anytime during your marriage? I assume from your letter you think that is a possibility. She definitely needs to be removed from kitchen duty.

If you can cook I suggest you do a massive invasion and takeover of the kitchen. A kitchen coup! I would love someone/anyone to take occupation of mine, so come on by. I only know of it as a place to store luggage.

My best suggestion to save her life is to trade a Tiffany diamond tennis bracelet for the stove, refrigerator, and utensils. If that fails, up the ante with a matching necklace. Keep a trip to Paris in your back pocket if she’s a tough negotiator. I think she’ll fold for the blue boxes however.

Keep me posted.
Gail

The Great Date Escape

Dear Gail:
I’m out on my first meeting “blind” date from Match.com and it’s obvious to both of us that it’s not going well — and will not be repeated. How do we handle the check?

Will

Dear Will:
The biggest question I have is, why get as far as the check? Cut it short, very very short. If you’re mutually uninterested, don’t even order. Trust me, I am certain your date is thinking the same thing. I face that all the time and have yet to develop a good escape plan other than the age old “emergency phone call from a friend.”

In my “yute” I excused myself to the bathroom and never returned. A window escape now, however, would risk one or more broken bones and the arrival of an ambulance would give away my whereabouts. It was so simple back then.

Rather than labor over thoughts of the check, help both of you out by bowing out.

Sayonara.

Gail

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

See medical disclaimer below. ↓

12 COMMENTS

  1. Great stuff per usual.

    Re: bowing out before anything is ordered – I can only speak for myself, but just as it takes me some time to recognize the other party’s attractive qualities, it takes some time for the other party’s not-so-attractive qualities to come to the fore. By then, coffee is on the table. My suggestion is to tip the waiter/waitress a lil something beforehand to take their time getting to your table and give you more time for assessment. One way or the other, it’s gonna cost you.

  2. Ha!!!! Do you remember when we became ‘liberated’ and that included the
    assumption that we would pay 50% of all future restaurant checks when
    we dated. And we were so happy to feel so empowered. Be careful what
    you wish for. Are we back to that?

  3. Wise words, and all I can add is, if you want to ensure that she never has illusions that the date went well in the fog of hindsight, tell her up front that that you will be going dutch, and announce it in Dutch to not only drive the point home but also to cement the idea that you are intolerable and never to be approached again.

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The ideas expressed here are solely the opinions of the author and are not researched or verified by AGEIST LLC, or anyone associated with AGEIST LLC. This material should not be construed as medical advice or recommendation, it is for informational use only. We encourage all readers to discuss with your qualified practitioners the relevance of the application of any of these ideas to your life. The recommendations contained herein are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. You should always consult your physician or other qualified health provider before starting any new treatment or stopping any treatment that has been prescribed for you by your physician or other qualified health provider. Please call your doctor or 911 immediately if you think you may have a medical or psychiatric emergency.

Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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