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Since You Asked: Divorced & Ditched

In this episode of Since You Asked, our fabulous advisors give their views on suddenly being uninvited to friends’ events after a divorce.

David
Welcome to Since You Asked with our unruly advisers here answering your questions. Rob Angel, how are you today?

Rob
I woke up a little, you know, “What’s going on?” and then I got myself together. So I feel great, David. How’s that?

David
Freshly coiffed or freshly f*cked? How’s the hair?

Rob
Both good.

David
Good. Okay, we’ll dive into that a little later.

Rob
Oh, I can’t wait.

David
Susan, how are you doing today?

Susan
Oh, please don’t ask me if I was f*cked. Just don’t.

Rob
Let me, Susan!

Susan
I’m going to leave that to our viewers’ imagination. But I am doing great. With or without such sexual activity.

David
Okay, now, now that we’re clear on that.

Rob
Thanks for coming, everybody. We’ve got to go.

David
Okay. This is from a man: “Since my divorce, my married friends stopped inviting me to their house or events. What’s up with that?” I mean, I’ve seen this happen. It’s weird. What do you guys think?

Rob
Well, being divorced or being uninvited — the short answer is you’re kind of a threat to the marriage now. Do you have friends that are married? Because, you know, you’re maybe having fun and doing all this stuff. And then the wife is thinking, “Well, maybe my husband is missing those things.” Right? So all of a sudden you’re not being invited as much.

But really, it comes down a lot to: it’s a couples’ world. It’s just couples hanging out with couples, and having the third wheel around doesn’t always, you know, make everything comfortable, right? You’re not going to want to hang out with them all the time either. So don’t take it personally. It’s just the way it is.

Susan
I don’t know, Rob. I’m going to disagree with you on the man not being invited because, in my experience, it’s really usual for a woman not to be invited to these dinner parties. She seems to be the threat. But in my past, often what I’ll see is women invite the man because the man’s going to be set-up.

It’s like he’s the token guy that they’re going to bring someone for. And then, from the perspective of a single woman, you’re the threat. You know, they don’t want you around because you’re going to technically seduce all of the husbands or, you know, maybe you’ve lost weight and bought a Porsche, so I think that men are often invited as a single guy because there’s someone they can set them up with.

Rob
Yeah, because they want them with somebody so they’re not single. That’s why they’re trying to set them up. Right. And this, this is one of those many, many questions that we answer, they could be a man or a woman. This happens all the time. But, you know, eventually you wind up just creating a new life for yourself without your friends.

This is not an either-or. It’s not an either-or where you have to decide who you want to hang out with. But just, you know, you’re going to find new things to do. You won’t feel as bad about not being invited. This just kind of falls away; when I got my divorce, I just started finding things to do, other things to do.

And again, it’s not that you are, but you don’t have to remain friends with them. It’s just physically, you wind up doing other stuff.

Susan
And you need to, too. I mean, I think that idea of ‘you can’t make friends at a certain age’ is baloney. And I often emphasize the fact that make is an adjective. So it’s the act of actively going and seeking out new friendships. It doesn’t happen. They don’t just show up on your doorstep. You have to make an active effort to find people that share some of your — maybe things that you never got to do.

Rob
Yeah. Yeah.

Susan
You know, like dance or cook or who knows what.

David
My wife and I have dinner parties here all the time, and this would never enter my mind whether they’re a couple. And it’s just like, Oh, you’re an interesting person. Come on over to dinner. Like, let’s, you know, meet some other people. I don’t think in terms of, like, I want to set you up with someone or I just look at it entirely selfishly like, Oh, you’re interesting. Come, like, I wanna hear what you have to say whether you’re single, married man, woman, I don’t care.

Rob
Yeah, I totally agree, David. Finding interesting, fun, whatever kind of people to talk about your life is absolutely the fun of it. Fun of life at dinner parties.

So it’s not complicated. It just kind of happens and you’ve got to find your way in. If they don’t invite you, invite yourself. I agree.

Susan
And I think you make new friends, like David said. I mean, maybe the problem is, is the people you realize you’ve been hanging around with are not necessarily the greatest people because if they’re threatened by your presence, you need to find cool couples like David and his wife. Yes, yes I’m inviting myself, David!

Rob
We’re coming over tomorrow night.

Susan
You know, that aren’t threatened by your whatever, whether you’re single, whatever it is that you are.

David
I think there’s another dynamic going on here, too, because what’ll happen is if there’s a divorce or a breakup, there’s sort of a loyalty thing that happens, right? Like, they’re picking sides and it’s like, Oh, we’re on the other side therefore you can’t come anymore or something. And, you know, I think that’s just how people are.

Rob
That happens probably more than anything else. But I think that’s the biggest point is the connection you have with one or the other. And you get to pick a side and it’s shit that it happens, right? It’s uncomfortable for everybody. 

Susan
It’s heartbreaking. My former husband was a physician and, I am telling you, I got excommunicated the day it happened. They never had anything else to do with me. I could see people that I had known and had dinner parties at my home for 10, 12 years, and we would pass and they wouldn’t even look my way. It was devastating.

Rob
Good riddance.

Susan
Exactly, Rob.

Rob
Susan, you’ve turned out lovely. You’re just fine. 

Susan
I have turned out lovely. I really have. You know, but it’s a lesson learned and you just realize those aren’t the people that maybe necessarily you ever want as your friends. They weren’t your friends to begin with, if that’s the case.

Rob
Right. Right. It’s almost mourning the death of friendships as this goes on.

David
You guys, thanks for your advice. Everyone, have a wonderful week. No jails, no hospitals. Keep guardrails. It’s just a saying back when I was a late teenager. 

Rob
Wrap it up, David. Wrap it up.

David
That was always the saying, like, you can do whatever you want at night, just, like, no jails, no hospitals. So, okay. Anyway, onward. Enough about me. Next week, we’re going to bring on one of your new questions. Send it to us if you like, and our fabulous advisors will do their best to solve your problems. Everybody, have a great weekend.

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The ideas expressed here are solely the opinions of the author and are not researched or verified by AGEIST LLC, or anyone associated with AGEIST LLC. This material should not be construed as medical advice or recommendation, it is for informational use only. We encourage all readers to discuss with your qualified practitioners the relevance of the application of any of these ideas to your life. The recommendations contained herein are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. You should always consult your physician or other qualified health provider before starting any new treatment or stopping any treatment that has been prescribed for you by your physician or other qualified health provider. Please call your doctor or 911 immediately if you think you may have a medical or psychiatric emergency.

 

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