Susan
It’s another week. And you know what that means? It’s another question for the Since You Asked show this week. Now I see a lot of similarities in the questions that we get, but these are often issues that I like to pick out of the questions that pertain to people of a certain age. This particular question comes from a 50 something year old woman who went through a divorce about six months ago, and they were married for a long time.
One of her kids told her that her ex-husband, their father, was actually getting married to his high school sweetheart. As you can imagine, this woman is writing in to ask for my help. She says, “I can’t help but feel so many emotions. I feel hurt. I feel sad. What do you suggest? What’s your advice?” And so my advice this week, at this point, if this person is your ex, they are your ex for a specific reason.
All was not well in Oz and you were divorced for a reason, especially if you were married for a long time. If you chose to get a divorce, both of you, or perhaps even you had issues with this person that no longer made you be in love with them. And it was better for both of you to be apart.
But I get it. One of the other things that I could see that would exacerbate the situation is social media, because eventually, if they’re on social media and you see pictures of them just being in love and that, you know, it’s really hard because it paints a picture that isn’t particularly true. And I think for you, if you were my bestie, I would say to you, what were the things that you really did not like in their behavior?
Were they an individual that was unfaithful? Perhaps they were an alcoholic. Maybe they were both. Maybe they were a workaholic. Maybe they just never saw you for who you were. Or even in worst case situations. Maybe they weren’t kind. So the fact that you’re divorced is perhaps the win here and the fact that he’s getting married again, I think, yes, it sucks.
You know, if you were married for a long time, but I think you got a break. I think in this particular case, what you have to remind yourself is that even if it’s his high school sweetheart, that was when they were 17 and 18. And a lot of things changed between 17 and perhaps 50 plus. They are no longer these charming, beautiful people.
A lot of baggage comes with that. So my advice to you is that remember, if you think she’s going to get a different version of what you got, you are loca en la cabeza. That means you’re crazy in the head because she’s going to get exactly eventually the same version of a partner as you did.
Go out with the friend, talk it out, and then that’s it. It’s done. You were given a blessing. You can do whatever you want in your life. And let’s face it, six months in, this person just needs somebody. They need to have a physical body there. And a lot of adults do, but you don’t. And if people were smart, they wouldn’t rush right after a divorce like a rebound relationship just to fill some longing.
Because most of the time that means they haven’t done the work on themselves. And so this gives you an opportunity to focus on all the wonderful things you’ve ever dreamed about doing without the incumbent of worrying about, you know, is he cheating on me? What does he do when he doesn’t love me? Doesn’t want me? He doesn’t like me. He doesn’t tell me I’m beautiful. He doesn’t buy me flowers. You know, Barbra Streisand things… So I think it’s just time to be super adult. Move on. Don’t take it personally. Don’t look at social media, because that’s always going to make it look like something it isn’t. And enjoy your life. Life is short.
Practice some meditations when those feelings get too big. Find something fun to spend your creative time on. Send him forgiveness. Give yourself forgiveness. And that’s it. That’s my advice. So again, thank you all for your questions. I love answering them. We love you. Thank you so much. Have another great week.
