Susan
It is another episode of the Since You Asked show and, as always, I am delighted to be here. We have had a lot of engagement recently and that makes me so excited that you guys are commenting and interacting with us and engaging and I would love to keep up that momentum. So I’m going to encourage you at the end of every show to really send us your questions.
I want to know about what bothers you. What are the issues that you face, from dating to health issues to just life in general? DM me: I’m @kikimousegetsfit. You can DM. We would love to take your questions any way you can get us your questions. I would love to answer them. And once again, a big thank you for following us.
And now on to the question. This one comes from a man. “The older I get, the more I am feeling the need for time to myself to recharge and think and not just for a few hours, but for some days away from my wife. Is this okay? And how do I broach the subject so she doesn’t take it personally?”
So, a lot of times I’ll start these answers with something that I resonate with. One of the benefits of being single is you don’t really have anybody you necessarily have to answer to, so you can do, as my mother will say, “Whatever the hell you want” in her Cuban accent.
But I believe, especially if you’ve been married for any length of time, that all relationships really desperately need honesty. And it sounds as if there are some things that need to be unpacked in your relationship that you haven’t dealt with. And that needs to be something that you bring up in the form of this particular dilemma, to your wife: “Listen, I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I have this urge to go take some time and be by myself.”
And if you’ve been married for a long time, I would think, male or female, that wouldn’t be uncommon to feel like that. Because I guess if you think about it, when was the last time you got any time by yourself?
I think if you’re not talking about issues that have been accumulating for years, you have to be honest with her to tell her exactly what it is you’re feeling. No matter what gender we are, we have to get used to asking for what we need.
You know, little kids, toddlers, little ones boldly ask for anything that they need. And I think as we get older, sometimes we should look back at the things we did when we were little, and we’d find that we were maybe a little bolder, a little braver. You know, when kids can get rejected a lot and then still just come back at you like, “Can I? Can I? Can I? Can I?” And I think that your relationship would be enhanced if the two of you sat down and discussed what it is you hope to achieve with this.
Because if I was the other person, I’m thinking that it would be easy to go down a path of, “Well, is there someone else?” And if that’s definitely not the case, then you need to be really sure that you’re going to make your partner feel safe with what it is that you’re doing. You’re going to share with them what that journey entails.
And I would think that’s a lot of mindset work and maybe some spiritual work, which isn’t a bad idea at any age. But she’s going to take it however it is she’s going to take it. If she takes it personally, that’s not your issue. Your issue is to be honest. Your issue is to ask for needs that aren’t being seen, that aren’t being met; that maybe it’s an empty-nester relationship for the first time, and you realize that you knew what your roles were as mom and dad but not as husband and wife.
Again, so I think that’s my advice for this week: honesty, honesty, honesty. And then with honesty, you create a safe place for your partner so that they can be honest as well and what their fears are and what worries them. Or maybe they don’t have any at all and maybe they’ll say, “My God, that’s a great idea. We’ll both take separate vacations.”
I know people that do this and they’re so much better for it, having a little bit of time away from each other. As they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think reframing this in a positive manner, not being scared, but just being honest and being brave and asking for what you want. You may find that after doing something that seems very uncomfortable, both of your lives are better for it. And that’s certainly my intention with giving you any kind of advice.
And that’s it for today. Subscribe to our YouTube channel to send us your questions and comments. Have you gone through something like this? Is this something that resonates with you? I love you guys. Have a great, great, great day until the next episode.
