Is there more to life than meteorological conditions? Not in Chicago. It is 24/7 breaking news in the winter. And when did the weather report become a dramatic reading? Are weather people frustrated actors still bemoaning they lost the role as King Lear or Lady Macbeth in high school? I’m sad I wasn’t picked as a cheerleader but I’m not outside doing splits in the air yelling, “Go Snow GO!” I am, however, powering through another bag of Oreos. I have started to dunk them in my martinis and call it comfort food in order to listen to their reports.
“A huge storm is coming and we can see it all the way back in Nebraska. It’s traveling fast, furiously, and headed our way. Take shelter on the first sight of a snowflake. Stay inside, don’t go to the airport, stay off the roads, I repeat stay off the roads. Get a sled and Huskies if you must go out. It’s going to snow for the next seventy two hours; people could be buried alive if they don’t have emergency kits in their car.” Stop smiling, it’s not standup. You should be weeping. My emergency kit is a hair dryer and lipstick, why would I need blankets, flash lights, crampons, water, dry goods, band aids, jumper cables and a good book? I would really need a valium drip and therapist.
“It’s big, it’s white, it’s piling up at the rate of 3 inches per hour and coming to your neighborhood!” No, please not my neighborhood. Go somewhere else, anywhere but here. Go to Alaska where snow belongs or Palm Beach for a change of pace.
I should have been a Meteorologist. I’m a neurotic drama queen so I’m a natural. I long to be the Larry David of weather. I’d be direct with the viewing audience. Why sugar coat the forecast when you can just whine, “The weather today will suck. If you’re old stay in until April. Don’t fall because the emergency rooms are filling up fast with people like you who don’t listen and go out and break a hip. Move to Miami but don’t come to LA because we have enough people. Stay away and go inside. It’s pretty pretty crappy out there.”
I wish I thought the weather people felt my pain, but they grin too much. Are they sadists? Their reports are scary to me and I don’t appreciate being taunted by inches per hour and the temperature plummeting to -15. It’s not funny! Quit looking so cheery. Burst into tears for God’s sake and feel my pain. I have to wear more clothes to walk out the door than I weigh. It takes me twenty minutes to get ready. My outdoor outfit from December to April is: a layer of REI thermal underwear, Uniqlo long sleeved shirt, Vince cashmere sweater, which has become a very expensive schmatta, a JOTT down jacket under a North Face down coat, face warmer, wool hat from Fucking Awesome, Timberland boots and REI arctic mittens. I pile on all that clothing and then have to trek down the three flights to the street. I can barely move and feel throwing myself down the stairs would be a lot easier than walking. The dog has a small winter wardrobe of plaid wool coats and looks a hell of a lot more chic than I do. I am definitely Everest-ready short a canister of oxygen.
Snow in Chicago does not stay glistening white; it turns into a dismal shade of gray. Giant melting gray mounds which become rivers requiring hip waders until the temperature drops and it turns to solid Titanic size ice mountains. The weather people love to talk and grin about ice as much as blizzards. “Overnight the temperature will fall to -25. If your skin is exposed for more than 15 seconds you will get frost bite, which as you know is very dangerous. (duh) The numbers will stay below zero for another three days. On Thursday temperatures might climb to fifteen. Stay warm. It’s a skating rink out there.” I’m surprised they don’t burst into show tunes or Beach Boy songs just to further ruin February. Hey, how about some “to be or not to be” so I know you understand me. Where’s the compassion, the tears, the soul searching?
I’m frantically looking everywhere for my old ice skates so I can get to the store for Oreos.
I’ll let you know if I fall and break a hip.
this is hilarious….I so want to spend a winter in Chicago!
Greetings from (sunny and snowless) South Australia
I’ll make you a deal, we’ll trade places in the winter!!! Deal?
Gail…
For the record, there ain’t NUTHIN big, white and capable of growing three inches an hour.
My documented personal best was a wind-aided fifteen minutes of growth.
You are one funny lady!
So many interpretations of your comment my head is spinning.
Thanks however so much for the compliment!
So funny because I am tired of weather drama in Chicago too! When did sub zero weather and snow NOT occur in Chicago? Now that would be news! I remember my father putting me on a sled to trek up Greenwood Avenue to meet our milkman in his truck because the truck could not plow through a foot of snow. Nothing more than “another January day in Chicagoland”. Love your humor!
Thanks for reading and feeling my pain. I remember making snow angels and having comfy snow pants and clips on my snow suit so my mittens stayed on! Snow men and sledding were so fun….now it’s like torture.