Dear Gail: Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Men Are Vain After All

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Men Are Vain After All                     

Dear Gail,
I read your reply to the woman who asked for advice on cosmetic surgery, and I was impressed by your honesty re: the benefits of it. So my question – what about cosmetic surgery for us guys? Once I heard Cher on a TV show say something to the effect that guys really didn’t need cosmetic surgery (particularly if they were very wealthy), but I’m not so sure. Me, I’d like to look younger (I’m 61) because I now look like the proverbial “twenty miles of bad road.” 

Do you know guys who’ve had cosmetic surgery? If so, what did they look like? Would you recommend? 

Thanks,
Grizzled Gus

Dear Grizzled:
What a coincidence as I just lunched with a friend who recently had his eyes lifted.  Honestly I don’t remember what they looked like before but he claimed he had droopy lids and pouch-like bags underneath which made him appear old and sad. He is now happy, bag free and has less money. Coincidentally my friend Brian had the same surgery and it looks like the surgeon only fixed one eye…whoops and very Picasso-esque. He didn’t notice. And yes I mentioned it…haven’t heard from him since.

I have a long-held belief that men have magic mirrors. No matter how old, gray, bald, and wrinkled they don’t see it. How is that possible unless magic is involved? And where the hell do you buy these mirrors? Women, not so lucky. I look at myself and miss nothing. No wrinkle, sag, bag, rogue chin hair or pimple goes unexamined. One tiny new line between my eyes can ruin a perfectly good day. I want magic too. 

I think it’s only fair if men take a hard look in the mirror and expect of themselves what they expect of women. Cher was right in one regard, if you’re a rich and powerful male no magic is necessary just a Black Am Ex card and matching S class Mercedes. But presto chango, reality bites for the rest.

Grizzled Gus, I think it’s fine to have a little cosmetic “fixer upper.” Tired of your nose?  Have a Mitch McConnell chin and neck? Baggy saggy eyes? Do whatever it takes and to hell with your gender.  At sixty-one there is plenty of time to get your “twenty miles of bad road” repaired.

Send me pixs.
Gail

You’re Never Too Old to Be Ten Again?

Dear Gail, 
Currently, I am dating a younger woman (I never thought I would refer to a woman in her early 60s as a younger woman). During dinner she mentioned things that I’m not totally familiar with, like waxing and a Brazilian. My mental references were shining my car and traveling to Ipanema. She said just because I am in my seventies doesn’t mean I have to look like a seventies porn star.

My question is, was that a hint about manscaping? Is there an alternative to waxing? I can shave the conventional way but that could be dangerous if I cut myself. Putting little pieces of toilet paper on the cuts are unsightly enough on my face.

What’s a man to do these days?   

Thanks, 
Harry 

Dear Harry:
Ouch! Ouch! And OMG are you freaking kidding me? I feel your pain and understand the question too well. It seems crazy to me why anyone would want to become prepubescent again – man or woman.           

To Brazilian or not to Brazilian, and like you I don’t mean a trip to Rio, or a good strong cup of coffee. I am talking about the bikini wax gone rogue, the mother of all waxes, the kill me now waxing of all pubic hair. I think of it on the same level as “extreme sports.” Whose idea was this? Is Kate Moss behind the conspiracy, as she looks oddly hairless. Decades after going through puberty, why would any gender consider looking ten years old again? 

Unlike you, it was a man who told me about this new beauty regimen and yes, I was dating him. “You talkin’ to me, Mister?” I became weak, sweaty and oddly itchy. Is every woman and man now hairless? Did I miss the memo? Is this the new normal?  

I needed data quick! I collected answers from my male inner circle regardless of my burning desire to ask every man and woman I saw in Starbucks, “A Brazilian wax with your Brazilian beans?” From my male friends I heard two words more associated with aviation than beauty – a “landing strip” was their preference. I wasn’t deterred by a sudden urge to book a vacation and queried my women friends. They were oddly silent. Only my ex-boyfriend Peter spoke up and told me he has been manscaping for years. I was oddly silent as I had never noticed.

Harry, I suggest you start cutting toilet paper into tiny pieces as the alternative involves mind numbing pain and possibly crying.
Gail

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