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Dear Gail: Can You Find Love Without a Porsche?

Comedian Gail Forrest sets some weary online daters back on course with advice on sports cars and ditching algorithms.

When Dating Sites Fail You…

Dear Gail:
I signed up for one of those popular dating apps and specified I was looking for someone within 25 miles. The app has sent me profiles from a tristate area. I also get messages from women all over the US. It’s crazy and not helping me meet anyone locally who I could realistically date. Feeling out of options.
Mr. Lonely

Dear Mr. Lonely:
Unfortunately dating sites are driven by algorithms not an old woman in a babushka reading profiles in a back room and carefully matching people. Where is that woman? I actually would pay extra for her or put her on retainer. 

Mr. Lonely I have the same problem, as men from all over the country contact me. I am not driving 1,800 miles for a thirty minute coffee date. Unless it’s a Royal, eight miles is my limit.

Rumor has it pickleball is the new Studio 54. Everyone’s lovin’ it. Buy some equipment and get out there. Worst case you rupture your Achilles tendon and find a date in the ER.

Or get the truly devoted partner who will always love, stand by you, and attract women…a dog. You never know who you’ll serendipitously meet at the dog park. No algorithms necessary.
Gail

Can You Find Love Without a Porsche?

Dear Gail:
I thought a new car might attract women; a shallow notion but desperate times call for desperate expensive measures. I impulsively went out and bought a 911 Porsche. Should I include a picture of it in my profile? The red really shows up well in photos!
Martin

Dear Martin:
My latest impulse buy was a People Magazine at the CVS check-out counter.

I wish you had consulted me before you picked the red. I would have advised “Chalk” or “Night Blue Metallic.” They are more tasteful in my Porsche color opinion.

That being said my main concern is whether or not you can get out of the car without embarrassing or injuring yourself by having to roll out onto the ground and then standing. A consequence of older guys and sports cars. Does AAA have a fork lift for this occasion? I would definitely practice at home before you go on a date.

While you’re in the hospital with a fractured hip order that SUV.
Gail

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

10 COMMENTS

  1. There is no other place for this cogent advice humourously delivered. Thanks for making me change the color on the Porsche I ordered.

  2. Love it!

    Re dogs as devoted partners – no argument there, but if you want a little space in the relationship, a partner who doesn’t demand constant attention, I’d suggest cat. Cats are subtle: every time you find yourself alone in a room with a cat, the cat pretends it’s entirely accidental.

    • That’s funny and true. I had a cat that acted like a dog once and loved him dearly for it. However my boyfriend’s dog drove him away. He was not replaceable. Yes, cats if you like living alone. Truthfully I like big burly English house cats

  3. That whole Porsche thingy is overblown. Propaganda. As genuine as Trump’s hair color.

    I had a black one once. As they say, I’ll never go back. It had a cramped cockpit…please, no cheap jokes here…more suitable for a journey to the moon than to the 7-11, though admittedly it would have made the lunar trip a lot faster than anything NASA manages to slap together.

    The women it attracted had no need for the stock factory air bags, but unfortunately the air surplus tended to migrate north to their temporal lobes and nest there.

    I have many more thoughts about Porsches and women, but my dog, whose temporal lobe snaps and buzzes like a nuclear power plant, is picketing for his daily puppaccino trip.

    • Well give that dogs his puppaccino asap. A friend of mine gave me his Porsche one winter to store but of course I drove it . I think it was a 914…he swears I ruined it . Which I didn’t . It was a crappy model. I also drove a 911 and it was a rocket. They don’t impress me. Getting a ride in Grace Slick’s Aston Martin when I was hitch hiking across the Golden Gate bridge was more thrilling and a much better story! Anytime you want to tell more Porsche and women stories chime in.

  4. Dear Martin,
    As a single woman/ ageist here, who recently came back onto the dating scene after COVID lockdowns. I wanted to share a perspective re your Porsche.

    During the COVID debacle, i got a job working for a high end Matchmaking Co,( because my Entertainment Industry was totally shut down), During that year —I learned a few things about men and profiles and what women think about them. It was elucidating ( no pun intended) re the scene. I interviewed men and women from ALL walks of life and economics.. From farmhands in Tennessee to billionaires in Malibu. All looking for true companionship and love, usually. And if it was something else they were looking for, we passed on taking them on- as our company truly wanted to help them find a wonderful person for each..

    Which leads me to suggest that to LEAD with your Porsche – no matter what color, and your big home, yacht, motorcycles and other possessions…I think does yourself a disservice .

    As I for one, and many of the women I worked with…were more interested in the Man behind those kind of accomplishments.

    If your really want a woman of quality —I would say you want to lead with what is the passion that drives you –what are the things that are meaningful to you in life. What are your future goals? Are you segueing into a “3rd act” of sorts, or are you as much in love with what you do now than when you first started …and to want to continue that to your dying day? Those things are what I, and I think real accomplished women are more interested in –YOU! Not your toys —though god knows they can be fun —but not to LEAD with them . ( Maybe even forgo that “cliche” picture of you and your car – surprise her when you pick her up —isn’t that more fun? It would be for me).

    Who you are and what you are about is much more interesting than any gorgeous piece of shiny red or blue steel —and believe me, I love sports cars! I have a Mercedes convertible myself. 🙂 Hope this was helpful. Wishing you the best—-

    • Some good advice for Martin and thanks for reading and sharing your opinion. Martin, I hope you read this. And please don’t pose in a picture in a tank top as that is a definite no/no and total turn-off for a woman and trust me I’ve seen plenty of those pictures.

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Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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