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A Matchmaker and a Little Lox

Comedian Gail Forrest is done with online dating and isn't finding luck in the grocery aisle. Is it time to be set up?

I am burned out and have officially diagnosed myself with DATING SITE FATIGUE. I have decided what I really need now is an old fashioned Matchmaker as I read in the New York Times they are in demand. Where are they? Are they on Google? Or in the Yellow Pages from 1935? I am certain if I could just sit down with a traditional Jewish matchmaker (who hopefully serves lox and bagels) she could find me a man.  

I once believed Dr. Phil could find me dates, as his smiling TV ads promised discovering love on Match.com. The promos never lived up to the hype and he wasn’t available. I’ve seen the same faces for years. I’ve had men contact me with whom I’ve already gone out. Have they been on the site so long that dating dementia has set in?    

Under thirty, meeting men was like fishing in a stocked pond. And speaking of fish, Plenty of Fish was a possibility, but now I refer to it as, plenty of dead Trout floating on their side in a polluted lake. 

Tinder says you can swipe your way to love. I have no idea how swiping became a dating technique. Right, left, left, right; it makes me dizzy, confused and wtf!  I don’t see swiping in my future.  It would be easier and more logical to stand on a street corner wearing a sandwich board which reads “date me.”  

And frankly, who are the men whose profiles read like Ernest Hemingway? It’s terrifying to think that if Ted Bundy was on a dating site I might have gone out with him.  After all he was handsome, charming and a law school student. I’m sure he posted fabulous fun vacation pictures, said he was athletic, smart, liked to dance and loved dogs. The perfect guy.  Since then I assume everyone is a serial killer until proven otherwise which is exhausting and anxiety evoking. I don’t believe any of the dating sites do FBI background checks, which might be a great promotional idea.  

At the moment there are more sites than hours in a day. It has become a job to scroll through the pictures and profiles. It’s time consuming, laborious and I don’t have enough years left to spend looking. I definitely don’t want to be found dead face down on my computer with a picture of Dr. Phil on the screen.

What happened to the days of meeting someone in the produce aisle of the grocery store?  It was so easy to strike up a conversation with a cute guy, “Do you prefer vine ripened or beef steak?” This line stopped working however after the age of fifty five. Walking the dog is another old fashioned and organic pick up option. I met my first husband because our Golden Retrievers hooked up in Central Park. I ultimately kept my dog but not my husband. Sadly I’ve noticed all the canines in my neighborhood are attached to wedding rings.  

Pick up bars were never my idea of a way to spend an evening and find a date. If I went with friends I brought a book because men never cozied up to me. I am brunette. My girlfriends were all blondes. Men made a b-line over to them and I was shoved out of the way. There I was the lone brown haired girl with my head down reading. This was ok with me because I never took “bar speak” which I think consists mostly of monosyllables.  I never developed the art of idle chit chat. My lightest subject was Kubrick. I sat alone a lot.

Getting fixed up worked back in the seventies as everyone I knew was single and looking to meet a prospective partner. Now in 2022 I have had to resort to begging and pleading with friends and acquaintances to fix me up. As it turns out not one of my friends, family members, mailman, or my buddy the checkout man at the local Jewel knows anyone single. This doesn’t seem possible when half the adult population is divorced. The question that haunts me is, where is that half and how come no one knows them?

I’m hoping someone who reads this knows a person in the divorced half.  If not, a matchmaker is my last hope. I’m willing to bring the lox.

14 COMMENTS

  1. The problem is I seem to have reached a stage where i just couldnt be bothered any more – I would love a partner in my life but all the hassle of getting to that point!! Conversations to see if he has a brain; questions to see what his family is like; observations to see how he treats others; does he like the same things as me or is he pretending then will change after a couple of weeks; & of course the big one – getting naked together

    • You got it! All those things make for a long series of events. It’s become a big ass crap shoot and I for one am not a gambler at this point. You nailed all the points that have to be covered and it’s tiring and at this point a needle in a haystack situation! Omg and the naked part puts the nail in the coffin.

  2. Gail, any man with half a brain should be beating down your door. You’re pretty, look like you did when you were 20, you’re far and away smarter than most and you’re funny as all get out. I think you’re just too good for most men…especially those with only half a brain. You’re a prize!!

  3. Well, since you once brought books to bars ….

    Older I get, I find best way to meet peeps is going to books clubs, story-telling events, writers workshops, music events in which I can participate, etc. Even if I don’t meet a prospective partner, I make friends, and most importantly, I get my mind off myself and my probs ….

    OTOH, *your* probs give you grist for very funny articles like this, so maybe you should just stay at home ….. (joking)

    • My problems do make for comic foder except before they’re funny they make me a neurotic lunatic; so after I have a total panic attack I can chill and find the humor. I like the ideas you suggested however, but then I won’t be funny.

  4. Matchmaker matchmaker, bring me someone – anyone – who will put up with me.
    Wait – that didn’t come out right.
    Unlike the author I have realized that of course the online dating scene is not working out for me. Its the same reason the IRL dating scene does not work; its me doing the dating.
    So, Ms Forrest is her usual trenchant self here, and I am sure her experience is echoed by many. But how about those of us who get passed over for good reason (like being audited for cause)?

    To quote: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, But in ourselves, that we are underlings.

    • I am sure you underestimate yourself! Everyone has so many faults at the point it would take years of analysis to unearth them. It’s tough out there in dating land. I suggest it’s not to late to try the dog route

  5. Once again, Gail Forest’s observational humor rivals Seinfeld, Jimmy Carr and Mrs Maisel. From my experience, from the male side of online dating. everything Gail says is, spot on, true. I know everyone on the dating sites just wants a hug, like any of us, and I wish I could do that for all of them. When they are at their empirically sweetest, they are holding up their grandchildren (I heard on the men’s side they are holding up a stringer of fish) but that only serves to remind me that the dating pool, now, is filled with somebody’s Granny. Thank you Gail…. Again

  6. I think “Ageist” has the perfect platform to start a match making service. Most of us all have some amusing & not so amusing tales of on-line dating. I am a 58 year old female professional who has devoted my life to a rewarding career practicing acupuncture. All good but while working but it has resulted in a somewhat lonely life. “Ageist” is my favorite magazine! It seems to me we have a community of like minded, extremely interesting individuals which could make it the perfect place to start a match making service with integrity. If we are going to live until 100 or even 110, it would be nice to have an intimate companion. And who believes sex should stop at 50??? Certainly not those of us who are healthy. In fact, as an allied health provider I consider it an essential component to a healthy lifestyle at any age!

    • Well a dating site, that’s a big decision for this site, but I will say I have read some articles by very interesting men who I would like to meet. I will pass your comment on to the powers that be and coincidentally they match with a new column I am considering here called Dear Gail. Just to get us all laughing over dating problems with my skewed take on them. It’s just in the thinking stage. I am sure there are lots of really interesting meetable people on Ageist. As I said passing on your letter asap. Thanks for reading and loving this site

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Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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