Self-realization can be an empowering part of our lives. Coming to a place of self-acceptance and love (and forgiveness) is even more powerful. Boundary setting — don’t get me started. I learned all of this after my divorce and realized how important finding ME was and still is a daily journey.
I was prompted to write this article because it speaks to many things: fears, hope, joy, and a future with another human being. Having been with the same person the majority of your life and then finding a new mate feels unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I get that.
As we aren’t mind readers, wouldn’t it be nice to be given a playbook? An article of reference to understand the space and place another human is living in so we know where they are coming from? I think so. I hope you will enjoy this and use it yourself one day —adding your own special sauce to custom fit it to your needs, wants, and desires. Stir in some of your own blend and I hope we have a love letter worth giving and also receiving. It should spark a beautiful conversation, at the very least.
I am ecstatic that you are in my life and we’ve come to this place. I’m giddy with excitement of what we are now and what we can be together. I honor and respect you.
It has taken me a lifetime of work for me to get here; to be present with you. But, before we take the leap of physical intimacy, I would like to share with you the place I am coming from, and I also want to hear your experience. It’s important to me to fully understand you.
My entire life I have lived with the notion that there is one person for me, and that this love lasts a lifetime. Sadly, it’s just not true. Time wears away at us and sometimes moves us apart; emotional exploration takes a new avenue for us and, as our bodies age, we need and want different things. Perhaps the love was taken from us, or it was taken for granted. Maybe my spouse died or left; maybe I left. Whatever it is, I want you to know that I am wounded, and I am not afraid to say it or own it.
The wounds I have are scars of my life. You see, in loving someone else, I realized that I surrendered who I was to become “us.” In becoming a couple, I cast aside some of the wants and needs that I so desperately desire. The need for time spent alone — of self-reflection and inner work. The need for friendships outside of the relationship you and I may have. The need for self-growth and taking classes that may not interest you. The need to be whole as I enter into a union with you. For me, it’s the only way that it will work. We both need to be whole before we can be together.
So, with that preface, I want to clear a path for you to come into my life. I want to give you a key in understanding who I am. I want to be transparent, honest, and authentic with you. I want you to know my many sides — both good and bad. I am imperfect and while I am open to being with you in every way possible, I am also optimistically guarded entering into this.
I want to give you a key to me. To know what I need. To hear what you need as well. To understand what my triggers are, and what triggers you, too. We both have so much to learn about each other and I want this to work. I don’t want to navigate this life alone and want to have you as my potential last first date.
So, my future lover, I am giving you the playbook on me:
∙ I want and need to be acknowledged and heard. We will not always agree with each other but, if we respect each other, we can take the world on as a united force.
∙ I want you to understand my fear. My fear of being hurt again, and that entering into this, with you, I have our best interest in mind. I will hold your heart in my hand and treat it as a newborn with the grace and tenderness you deserve.
∙ I want you to touch me. Touch me tenderly, roughly, sexually and arouse me. Rough, soft, spontaneously, erotically — I want it all. I will tell you when it’s too much or uncomfortable, but please be aware that I have not been touched in a long time. This is like learning to ride a bike again and it will take me some time to get the training wheels off. I also want you to hold my hand, take my arm and hug me — just because. This is equal in importance to the sexual portion because I want and need both.
∙ Listen to me. When I speak, many of the words will be awkward. Many may be prickly. Many may be said with anger or upset but know that all are said with a purpose to get closer to you or solve a problem with you. I will falter; I will screw up. I will apologize when something pops out of my mouth that I wish I could rewind. Again, I am imperfect and at times will be a complete jackass. I promise to work on my words before speaking and hurting you.
∙ Surprise me. Do something unexpected for me that only you can come up with.
∙ Invest in me. If we are going to become intimate, I want you to invest in the time we share together and be present. There is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship where both are vapid, and two people merely share the same air. Turn off your phone to be there fully with me. I will do the same.
∙ Lastly, be gentle with me sexually, as I have not had a lover in a long time. I may be clumsy. I am not the same person I was 20 years ago — even 30 years ago. My libido has taken a turn since menopause and things don’t function as well as they used to. But please, be kind and non-judgmental with me and I will be the same.
I love what we will become. I love what we will create together. I love the idea of being with you emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Thank you for being in my life…
Your future lover