Married and Restless? Sleeping Separately May Be the Answer

The sheer depth and resonance of the nasal symphony beside me each night was, frankly, impressive—but not exactly how I imagined being awestruck by my husband of 25 years. How did we get here? After years of co-sleeping, our very spacious California king suddenly started to feel crowded by me, a 16-year-old restless dog, the aforementioned world-class snorer, and his shiny, new CPAP machine. Yes, this was my reality.

Full-disclosure: I crossed the menopause bridge years ago. I am fully aware of my status as a light sleeper and how any noise—no matter how insignificant—can rip me from my REM dreams. Looking back, my sleepless nights started in my late 30s, years before any doctor ever whispered the word “perimenopause.” But, at the time, I chalked it up to having young kids. So did my doctor. And like so many before me, my concerns were met with an easy solution: a prescription. My primary care physician never hesitated to refill the Ambien, and for a short period, I didn’t question it either. 

Now, that full, expired bottle still sits in my medicine cabinet—a tiny, dusty reminder of just how casually sleep struggles are often treated and how little some doctors talk about health-forward solutions. Sometimes, the healthiest choices are the ones that seem to go against convention. What started as a practical workaround for us quickly became a revelation: choosing to sleep outside the norm led to better sleep outcomes, a stronger relationship, and a lot less resentment over stolen blankets.

The Tentative Ask

About six months ago, my husband, in the most casual, off-handed way, asked, “What would you think about me sleeping upstairs while I get used to this new CPAP machine?” 

While I could have sworn I heard a choir of angels harmonizing just for me, I played it cool. “Sure, if you think it will help,” I replied, channeling my inner nonchalance. And just like that—minus the occasional travel or a full house—we’ve been sleeping separate ever since.

Why? Because it allows us to get the best sleep of our adult lives. And now that we’ve started openly talking about our newfound nighttime utopia, we’ve discovered we’re far from alone. Turns out, plenty of happy couples are embracing the magic of well-rested independence—and loving every minute of it.

The Social Stigma of Sleeping Apart

When we first started mentioning our current sleeping arrangement to family and friends, the reactions were…mixed. Some nodded knowingly, like co-conspirators, as if they’d been waiting for someone else to say it out loud. Others looked concerned—like we’d just admitted to separate vacations, bank accounts, and Netflix profiles. Their furrowed brows gave way to the unasked question: Won’t you miss each other? Because the unspoken assumption is if you don’t share a bed, something must be wrong. Deeply wrong.

It’s a funny thing, the way our culture romanticizes sharing a bed. For some, it’s a source of connection, a nightly ritual of closeness. But for others—especially those dealing with snoring, restlessness, or different sleep schedules—it can become a nightly battleground. And yet, the idea of choosing sleep over tradition still carries a whiff of scandal, like you’re somehow failing at marriage by prioritizing your own well-being.

Here’s the truth: Sleeping apart has been a game-changer for our relationship. We still curl up on the couch for a movie, have our late-night chats, and enjoy our morning coffee together. The only difference? We’re doing it well-rested. And that, we’ve found, is far more romantic than groggy resentment over stolen covers and midnight elbow jabs meant to silence the snore. 

So, how do we do it? What’s our routine? I’ll tell you. 

His: A Simple, Efficient, Unfairly Effective Routine

Around 9:45 p.m., my husband grabs his “woobie” (our family’s affectionate term for his well-worn, nubby blanket) and heads upstairs. As if he were the Pied Piper, our senior dog happily trots behind him—because, apparently, she has claimed him in the sleep separation agreement. He lays down, dons his CPAP mask, and within minutes, he’s out cold. Eight uninterrupted hours, like clockwork. No tossing, no turning, no elaborate wind-down routine. Just sleep. And yes, I am deeply, profoundly envious.

Hers: A MasterClass Routine in Sleep Optimization

I’m not sure I’ve ever said all of this out loud at once, but my daughters have officially crowned me “The Queen of the Bedtime Routine,” and, honestly, I consider that my greatest parenting achievement. A metaphorical mom mic drop.

First, let’s start with the undeniable highlight: the entire king-sized bed we used to share is now mine. And the bamboo cotton sheets? Pure luxury. But achieving truly restorative sleep isn’t just about space—it’s about strategy. My carefully curated nighttime routine is a finely-tuned masterpiece, maximizing every possible chance I have of reaching that elusive eight-hour mark. The essentials for me are as follows:

• No screen time an hour before bed (because discipline now rules my evenings)
• A curved memory foam pillow designed to cradle my head just right (side-sleeper here)
• A grounding sheet strategically placed at the foot of the bed (science-backed; I read a lot)
• A hatch-like alarm clock that mimics natural light for circadian rhythm support
• The Apollo Neuro on sleep mode for optimal vagus nerve stimulation
• The Nodpod weighted eye mask for precision pressure and total darkness 
• The Headspace app playing either green noise or a sleepcast to lull me into oblivion

And the result? Unless I’m sick or have indulged in a rare social cocktail, I am able to consistently get at least eight hours of restorative sleep. It’s an art and a science.

Rested, Recharged, and Still in Love

The biggest surprise in all of this? How much closer my husband and I feel—not despite sleeping apart, but because of it. Good sleep has given us back energy, patience, and a renewed appreciation for each other. We wake up rested, ready to tackle the day, and, most importantly, happy. It turns out that prioritizing rest isn’t just good for our health—it’s good for our relationship, too. 

So, if you find yourself staring at the ceiling night after night, wondering if a separate sleep setup might be the answer, consider this your permission slip. Sweet dreams do await.

P.S. A little pro tip: leave notes for each other. Whether it’s a sweet message, an inside joke, or a callback to the day’s funniest moment, it’s a simple way to stay connected—even if you’re drifting off to sleep in separate rooms.