“I’m leaving on a jet plane” the old Peter, Paul and Mary song rang in my brain as I was preparing for my big trip to visit my grandson in SF. Regardless of the brawls breaking out on planes I needed a break from my monotonous, isolated life and if it meant a fist fight I was going. I was anxious to use the air miles I had accrued on my United Mileage Card from the endless days and nights I had spent on Amazon purchases during the last 914 ½ days ordering: soap, shampoo, kn95 masks, mittens, face warmers or anything to kill time. It was mileage card heaven. I must have millions or trillions which would easily get me to SF. It turned out I had 112,000 and in the “old” days of aviation (3 years ago) that could fly me to CA and back four times in coach and once in first class.
I had just picked my seat when I told the agent I wanted to use my air miles. “Yes, ma’am that will be 80k.” I lost all feeling in my legs and my right eye began blinking violently.
“What!?” 80k for a city that’s 2,127.3 miles away! Can anyone do the math here? I’d rather walk. If you translated them into dollars I could hire a small jet. My mileage should at least get me ¼ of the way to the moon. I suddenly felt violated and hung up. I needed to call Elon about his next flight. And Bezos to return all my purchases.
Compensation! I wanted another form of compensation for my miles if I had to use almost all of them on one cross country trip. United should have a reciprocity program that doesn’t involve travel, but stuff. Good stuff. This would benefit a lot more travelers than me. Wait until people see their air miles only get them as far as Cleveland and that flight might be canceled.
Hey United WAKE UP!
How about trading 25k miles for a weekly massage for one year? And for 5kmiles more you get a happy ending. AHHHH.
Always wanted tattoos? United will be right there for you. A full sleeve for 15kmiles and they will add for free a little United logo anywhere on your body you’d like.
Feel like a little lip perk me up? It’s only 3kmiles for a quickie collagen fill.
Piercings galore! You pick a place and United pierces for only 10kmiles. And for just 5kmiles more it comes with antibiotics in case of infection.
Do you live in Chicago? For 35kmiles you can vote six times and get three traffic tickets fixed.
Shocked at how expensive a root canal is so you’re suffering with tooth pain? 80kmiles and you will be pain free. Novocaine provided for a measly extra 2kmiles.
And how about the cost of implants! Geez Louise they suck the dollars right out of your retirement fund. A full mouth of shiny perfect teeth for 150k miles might just be worth it and so much more rewarding than a first class ticket to Newark for the same amount of miles.
I would give all my miles for a personal chef who also does the shopping and a little cleaning for a year. I could cry at the thought of eating meals sitting down and not over the sink. Take my miles, just give me the chef!
And for those who have accumulated a million miles United will find out and provide you with the name of the plastic surgeons who did Leslie Stahl’s and Diane Sawyer’s face lifts. It’s very hush hush.
United should have some other innovative deals ready to go!
They will give you a new Honda Civic if you agree to be a flight attendant for the next year. No training necessary if you take the offer today for the flight leaving at 1:30 from LaGuardia, Gate 6.
Always wanted a Porsche? Now you can have one just agree to be a pilot. Starting date… as soon as you can get to LAX. Experience is preferred but not much as your flights will probably be canceled.
Should I send my ideas to the Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg as I heard his flight from D.C. to New York got canceled? And coincidentally right after he had met with airline leaders to ask about the widespread flight disruptions in the U.S. I wonder if he’d like some tattoos or a root canal.
As for my trip, I scheduled on Alaska Air for $297.