Dear Susan,
Please lend me your wisdom and perhaps a dose of humor to help me navigate a tricky family situation. I am a full-time employed business owner and a single grandparent. I visit my daughter every few months to spend time with my FIVE amazing grandkids. While I adore my grandchildren, the real challenge is often with my son-in-law, who behaves like he is the star of a “telenovela!” Here is the scoop: he is just not present when he has to watch the kids. He is glued to his phone and laptop. He is often impatient and annoyed by the children and pawns them off on me, his parents, or a neighbor. Meanwhile, my daughter is the “default parent” which isn’t fair to her (I have a hard time with this). When I’m around, he barely acknowledges my presence, and sometimes his behavior is downright disrespectful. It’s like I am invisible, unless he is boasting about some grandiose work accomplishment, or whining about how much work he has. Ay Dios Mio!!!
I want to support my daughter, but he is making me “loca!” Help!!
Sincerely,
“Abuela in a Telenovela”
Dear Abuela in a Telenovela,
First off, let me just say that you are a superhero for attempting to wrangle five grandchildren. Seriously, you are amazing. I am a single grandparent as well and I feel like no one talks about “single grandparenting.” However, the reality is that you didn’t raise your son-in-law, and navigating that is quite the challenge.
Let me suggest the following:
• Tell your daughter how you feel. Tell her you are not here to be an overworked (unpaid) nanny! Between you and me, you love those kids, but you didn’t sign up to be an extra in his soap opera!
• Tell “Señor Dramatico” that you need a break. He can put down his phone and actually parent his own kids, right? I can’t guarantee this conversation won’t go “south of the border,” but sometimes you have to set boundaries.
• Suggest family counseling. Think of it as hiring a director for your family sitcom; everyone gets a role and no one’s the diva.
• Finally, have an escape plan. I used to stay with my kids in their home and now I get a hotel when I visit. I leave before bedtime and have some chocolate waiting for me. Chocolate cures everything, right?
Single grandparenting is HARD! Many women like ourselves have second careers or still have to, or choose to, work. And the stigma of being the mother-in-law doesn’t help.
So here is to all the grandmas out there navigating family drama with patience, a lot of love (self-love, too) and perhaps a lovely piece of chocolate. This is not easy, but you are fabulous and I see you. xoxo
