Dear Susan,
I know this is a difficult subject, but I would love to hear your advice. My husband of 30 years marriage is an alcoholic and has gotten worse since the pandemic. He does okay as long as I don’t leave him alone, but if I go visit my grand babies and leave him alone, he goes off the rails. I love him, but his drinking is killing him and me.
Help!
***
Oh, darling, first off, I’m sending you a massive virtual hug because dealing with an alcoholic spouse is no walk in the park. It’s more like a never-ending triathlon where the finish line keeps moving, and, instead of medals, you get worry lines. After 30 years of marriage, you deserve a standing ovation just for keeping it together this long!
Now, I know it’s hard, but we need to put you first here. That’s right. Forget him for a minute and let’s talk about how we’re going to pull you out of the pit of despair. Enter my new program: R.E.H.A.B.—not for him, honey, but for you! Ready?
R is for Rest. Girl, you’ve been on the emotional hamster wheel for way too long. You need to get off and collapse on something comfy, preferably far away from his secret liquor stash. Go book yourself a mini getaway, even if it’s just one night at a hotel where the only “happy hour” is you in bed with room service.
E is for Exercise. And no, I’m not talking about dragging him out of the bar—leave that to the professionals. I mean get moving! Take a walk, stretch, dance like no one’s watching (and no one should be unless they’re there to cheer you on). Moving your body will help you shake off some of that stress that’s been clinging to you like a wet blanket.
H is for Humor. Laughter is the best medicine, and you deserve a double dose. Hit up a comedy club, watch a stand-up special, or, hell, write your own material about living with an alcoholic—there’s plenty of dark humor there! They say every great comic has a tragic backstory, so you’re halfway to your Netflix special already.
A is for Acknowledge. Honey, it’s okay to say: “This sucks, and I am so freaking tired!” You’re not a robot. You’re not supposed to be able to handle everything without breaking a sweat. So admit it out loud (or in the mirror to yourself), because bottling it up will only make you explode later.
B is for Boundaries. Ah, the holy grail of self-care. This is going to be tough, but you need to draw the line in the sand. And if he stumbles over it with a bottle in hand, so be it. Loving someone doesn’t mean sacrificing yourself at the altar of their addiction. Sometimes, the kindest thing you can do for both of you is to say, “I love you, but I’m not going to drown trying to save you.”
So, my dear, it’s time to get you on the path to your recovery. Because you deserve peace, joy, and at least a few nights without wondering if he’s doing tequila shots behind your back.
You’ve got this. And if you need a nudge, I’ll be here with pom-poms in one hand and a cocktail for you in the other. (Non-alcoholic, of course. We don’t need more drama.)
What do you think? Are you ready to hit R.E.H.A.B.?
***
If you or someone you know is struggling with an alcoholic spouse or addict in your life, check out the below resources.
More Resources for Spouses of Alcoholics
- Al-Anon Family Groups
- SMART Recovery Family & Friends
- National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMSA)
- Sober Recovery Forum
12-Step Programs
- NAR-ANON
- Recovering Couples Anonymous
- Codependents Anonymous
Care for Caregivers of Addicts
- Love First (intervention and Family Support)
- Family Caregivers Alliance
Retreats
- Sober Vacations International
- Alcohol-Free Wellness Retreats (Ex: Canyon Ranch and Aro Ha Wellness Retreat)
