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New Year Resolutions – Here They Come Again and There They Go

Comedian Gail Forrest is eager to resolve anything after another Covid year, so wades fearlessly into New Year resolutions

It’s New Year’s resolution time again.  I can’t say 2021 flew by but I’m glad it’s over as my brain is near the exploding point from the endless “breaking news” which if it’s “breaking” it’s never good.  And although I liked seeing Dr.Fauci 24/7, as he reminds me of my Uncle Morrie, I think he is giving me ulcers. I pray I see a lot less of him in 2022.  Maybe I could invite him over for a drink and we can talk sports or exchange fashion tips for a fun change of subject!

I need some resolutions quick as the pressure to resolve something, anything, mounts. I can’t remember what I resolved or didn’t resolve last year. My 2021“home alone” life has erased my memory of everything but getting up to walk the dog, wearing the same pair of sweat pants every day, drinking copious amounts of wine with dinner and avoiding humans. I am however adept at walking in a zig zag pattern to stay away from anything with two legs.

In celebration of 2022 I resolve first and foremost to not wear sweat pants every freaking day. I should just throw them out but I am not that strong. However, in order not to break this resolution by Jan 6th, I vow to only put them on twice a week or even once if I feel courageous.  That is the best I can do as they became an alternative life style. It will test my resolve. My sweat pants are so comfy and I never have to suck in my stomach to put a pair on. They never made me feel like I gained weight which was a huge ego saver in 2021. The Smithsonian should have a pair in their collection as I believe they have become iconic to the Covid years.  I will happily donate either my black, or camouflage pair, but I won’t ever give up the gray ones as they were my first.

I’ve had getting a colonoscopy on my resolution list for the last ten years, and it still remains.  I am the final hold out in my peer group, much to the consternation of my Internist and son.  I’ve gotten as close as getting a Cologuard test but it is in my storage closet where I fear it may permanently reside. I’ve grown fond of having a staple resolution. 

Having sex on the kitchen table is also on my list every year. I believe I originally got the idea from Bull Durham as it looked really hot.  Now my fear is it will put my back into severe spasm and cost me numerous trips to a physical therapist in order to walk again. Yearly I have volunteers but 2021 brought me a whole new crew due to Covid isolation : my mailman, the Fed-ex guy, my next door neighbor who has six cats and smells like at least three of them, and two Door Dash boys under the age of 18.  I am not taking volunteers this year unless you produce a vaccination card (all three shots mandatory), can climb the three flights up to my condo without needing supplemental oxygen and are a trained PT.  

Speaking of the kitchen, I did use the oven in 2021 with only one small glitch; I forgot I was storing my toaster in there.  It melted but it’s comforting to know the smoke alarm works and the fire department is so speedy. They all got a big kick out of my stupidity. One of them was really cute….hmmmmm. FYI always check in the oven before pre-heating.

I resolve to find out the name and phone number of Leslie Stahl’s plastic surgeon.  If anyone has this information please contact me ASAP! She looks too good to be real. I must know who gave her that neck and jaw line. I am certain my Father gave me mine which is too real to be good.  

A big resolution for me in 2022 will be grocery shopping more often.  It is not serving me well or feeding me for that matter, when I am down to a half full bag of Peppermint Patties, a bottle of Grey Goose vodka, and a 1/4 lb. of Swiss Cheese that is turning a light shade of green. I hate the grocery store especially since none of them are giving out yummy samples anymore because of Covid. I could dine on the samples at Food Stuffs in Evanston Il. You haven’t lived until you’ve tasted their brownies or chocolate chip cookies.  But alas, no more, which has dis-incentivized me to find food. 

I am a speed shopper, never carefully considering what I’m buying just throwing food groups in my cart and leaving as fast as I can. I “almost” promise to make something other than scrambled eggs for dinner every night which will be a challenge because that’s all I can cook.

Finally I resolve to find a way to get that cute fireman back here short of setting my condo on fire.

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Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest recently started doing standup which she finds is a complete blast. Gonepausal is her blog and she has a book on Amazon by the same name filled with stories of her skewed, funny view on midlife and all its attendant surprises. Humor is the only way forward at this point.

 

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