Dear Gail: Tattoo Mania

Tattoo Mania

Dear Gail,
I’m in my late sixties now and tattoos are the greatest social/cultural change I’ve seen in my lifetime.

Tattoos! It seems everyone has at least one. When I was a child only sailors and the “anti-social” had them. It was tasteless. Now my tax consultant has a fire breathing dragon on the side of her neck and my bank teller seems to have green snakes writhing up her arms! Tattoo parlors used to look like torture dungeons, now they look like spas.

Gail, do you have tattoos? If not, would you get one? I ask because my husband of 40 years has suggested we both get the same tattoo as a “bonding totem.” Am I too behind the times? Thoughts?
Sally D

Dear Sally D:
I’d say after forty years of marriage you’ve done a lot of bonding without a tattoo so why now? I do, however, understand the urge to be part of the tatted generation. It’s hip, it’s cool, and probably fucking painful. I can’t imagine sitting in a chair with someone sticking needles in me as I watch my flesh sear and burn. It would necessitate a defibrillator, Rabbi, and, ironically, Last Rites.

I used to be hip until my doctor told me I should be more worried about breaking or replacing one. I don’t see his point. A bigger issue for me would be what I want inscribed and where. A tribute to my mother would say, “So you like your hair that color?” or “Stand up straight.” More relevant to my current life would be “Where’s my cell phone!?” or nostalgically, “I had great sex in my forties.” 

I miss my mom and my forties.

Sally D, if you wait too long to decide you might want your tattoo to read, “If found, please return me to this address…”

BTW, kudos to your bank teller and accountant.

All Glamping Aside

Dear Gail,
My girlfriend recently suggested – well, more like insisted – that we go camping together. Aside from a Boy Scout outing I once went on, neither of us have had any camping experience. My GF seems sure that camping will put us in touch with nature, even though, she promised, we can bring along a TV, lawn chairs, and get internet access. 

Anyway, have you had camping experience as an adult? What can I expect? I’m a city guy – are wild animals out there?

Thanks,
Frank M

Dear Frank:
This is very hush hush, but I was the only Girl Scout to never earn a badge. I am simultaneously humiliated and proud of that fact. Besides the uniforms itched and I quit.

Your girlfriend’s fantasy of camping sounds like you might as well just pitch a tent in the backyard and run inside when your favorite TV show comes on and to read your emails. Stop cutting the grass for a month or two and you’ll find a lot of nature right outside your door. As for animals, I hope you love Snakes and Scorpions, as they like to cozy up in shoes at night. Mountain lions are majestic but leave Lassie at home as they are fond of furry appetizers. And if you camp in Joshua Tree National Park, the Jumping Cholla look innocent but don’t get close enough for the needles to leap and embed in your skin. Bring a comb to remove. 

Personally, I hate camping. Camping requires sleeping on the ground in a bag. It even sounds barbaric. I can hardly sleep on a bed with my comforter and down pillows, no less on dirt. The last time I went camping I cried. The Smoky Mountains were beautiful but regardless, ground is ground. I itched, I shivered, I peed in more than one bush, fell in a hole, and there were no taxis, Ubers or Sherpas to rescue me. Help!

I have heard a lot about Glamping, which sounds a hell of a lot more civilized. I read you sleep above the ground on a luxurious raised bed … but can you get a badge for best martini?

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