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Dear Gail: Singin’ the Viagra Blues

Comedian Gail Forrest offers sage advice on the perils of Viagra and absurdity of dating-site profile photos

Singin’ the Viagra Blues

Dear Gail:
I’ve got a major dilemma and hope you can help. I’m a 74-year-old housewife married to an 80-year-old guy. We haven’t had sexual relations for years, which is FINE BY ME. My husband, however, got a prescription for Viagra from his doc, and, they work! All he wants to do now is have sex. Okay, once in a while I’m game, but all the time? No way.

I know this sounds crazy but maybe I should I get him one of those sex dolls to take the pressure off me? I mean one of the fully functional kind you can buy on Amazon? They look like real women — disturbing but true.

What do you think?

Thanks,
Not-Lolita in the burbs

Dear Not Lolita:
Your story isn’t that unusual thanks to Big Pharma, who coincidentally forgot about the female sex. There are a lot of women in the burbs and cities with your exact problem. Men get Viagra and we get menopause. Wtf.  I long for my forties, the hottest of decades for me. Now, hasta la bye bye hormones and smokin’ forty-year-old sex. I feel your pain. 

I congratulate you on the novel sex doll idea. I would not have dreamed that up as a solution. Excellent, I say. You first, however, might want to try a dramatic reading of the warning label on the Viagra. That would scare the shit out of me, but men seem to power through the warnings regardless of the possibility of stroke, priapism, vision loss in one or both eyes, skin flushing, heart disease, hearing loss or death.  

I say save your money and get a pretty little pocket cattle prod. If he’s smart you’ll only have to use it once.

Gail

Please Pose Clothed

Dear Gail: 

Why do women on dating sites post pictures of their dog, their grandkids (yes, I’m of that age), with 14 people in rain gear on a tour of Italy, or fuzzy pictures of them from the ’80s? I want to see YOU!

Dan

Dear Dan:
You’re preachin’ to the choir.  I have the same complaint about men. I have seen pictures of Big Ben, Mykonos, a ranch in Montana and ski slope in Aspen. Not a human in sight no less the person whose profile I’m looking at. I, however, accept dogs. 

Pictures should be current and not from a New Year’s Eve party in 1985 or your Bar Mitzvah. At a certain age we all look a hell of a lot better at a distance, but you as a teenie tiny dot on the top of Everest or far out on a sailboat is cheating. I also do not care for the Anthony Weiner half naked in the mirror photo. A turn off and call to the FBI.   

I agree, Dan, no one cares about vacay pixs just get in the photo clothed.

Gail

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

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Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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