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Dear Gail: Never Give Up the Dog 

Comedian Gail Forrest navigates love quandaries about acceptance: Tolerate dogs in bed? Banish friends of the opposite sex?

Dear Gail,
My girlfriend sleeps with her dog. The little guy is sweet and all, but I don’t like making love with a 3rd party constantly present, especially one who sniffs, drools and sheds. I’m also not crazy about waking with a hairy butt in my face.

I really like this girl. Any suggestions on solving my dilemma?

Too hairy in Hancock Park.

Dear Too Hairy:
You have a problem and you’re right a hairy one. There are some wise dating words to which you didn’t pay attention: “Love me, love my dog.” It’s true, I’m afraid. I only know one woman who gave up her cute new Vizsla puppy for a man. His money was incentivizing. FYI, they are divorced. She is husbandless, dogless, and back at work. Never give up the dog.  

I’ve had men and dogs in my life. Two of them outlasted husbands. It was not a close call. Congratulations to Jonah my Golden Retriever, and Miami my Yellow Lab who survived Stuart and Bucky. Also a big round of applause for Thurber my Doberman who stuck it out through three long-term relationships. They were all amazing dogs and learned to “stay.”  

I loved that my dogs didn’t care about cooking. Every day the same meal and not a complaint or look of disapproval. I was Julia Child to each of them. They didn’t mind my whining, but listened intently as if I actually had a point. No fights with me about politics or choice of TV shows; albeit Miami growled when Dick Cheney was on the screen, and my new little rescue Tulip barks at Trump. I believe she has a very high IQ. Why would I give all this up?

Listen carefully, Hairy in Hancock Park: if it comes down to you or the dog, it’s going to be the dog.  I recommend you get a really good lint remover, learn to love a little drool and “stay.”

My Wife is Attempting to Turn Me Into Mike Pence

Dear Gail,
My wife and I are in our 70s. Newly retired, I have lots of time on my hands and love talking with friends, both male and female. My wife says no married man should be speaking with female friends.  

These are women I’ve known for years, both through my job and socially. I have no interest in them other than good conversations. My wife is ready to walk unless I stop all interaction with women.

What do I do?

The Pences

Dear Pences:
Is this 1955 and Ozzie and Harriet are back? The heyday of men and women only chatting with their own gender at social gatherings? No one daring to cross the social dividing line. After all, men worked and women raised children. Is your wife longing for those “good times?” I like to call it the days of domestic hostage-taking or prison.

Please remind her it’s 2023 and Ozzie and Harriet has been replaced by Zombieland1; ironic, I think. Most retired men sit down, turn on the TV, and don’t get up until they’re carted off. Your spouse should revel in your ability to amuse yourself and with something other than porn…!  Does she really believe you are going to run away with one of your female friends now? It’s too late and expensive.  

I have a treasure trove of male friends and whomever I date has to accept them or get their ego professionally adjusted. I promise if your wife walks she won’t go far, especially if she has a bad left knee like I do. 

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

See medical disclaimer below. ↓


  1. One of your funniest advice columns. As someone who was replaced by a German Shepherd after my divorce your advice is spot on. Thank you for your wisdom and humor

  2. I do love dogs, but I’m with a long line of cats. And here, the cats always win.

    They always win, and not always in my favor – I’ve known more than one woman with moderate to severe cat allergies. Way it goes. Love me, love my cats. If you can’t stand the heat, get out of, etc.

    I could be wrong, but seems to me that there’s more cat jokes than dog jokes.

    • Cats are more of a legendary mystery. A cat is not predictable like a dog and they never come to you when you call….maybe the rare cat. I need a constant companion not an “maybe later” one. But you are right if a woman doesn’t love your cats…bye bye

  3. OMG!

    For the first time ever, today I discovered the amazing similarities between the dogs and women in my life!

    A number of the women I have been involved with also sniffed, drooled and shed. And I also always just assumed that was a hairy butt I awoke to…

    But, a couple of the women had a leg up…see what I did there…on the dogs. They were much better at rolling over and playing dead.


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The ideas expressed here are solely the opinions of the author and are not researched or verified by AGEIST LLC, or anyone associated with AGEIST LLC. This material should not be construed as medical advice or recommendation, it is for informational use only. We encourage all readers to discuss with your qualified practitioners the relevance of the application of any of these ideas to your life. The recommendations contained herein are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. You should always consult your physician or other qualified health provider before starting any new treatment or stopping any treatment that has been prescribed for you by your physician or other qualified health provider. Please call your doctor or 911 immediately if you think you may have a medical or psychiatric emergency.

Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.


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