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Dear Gail: How Do I Stay in Shape When I Just Want to Drink Beer & Watch TV

Comedian Gail Forrest guides a couch potato and a frustrated singleton to greener pastures

Dear Gail: How Do I Stay in Shape When I Just Want to Drink Beer & Watch TV? 

Dear Gail:

Now that I am over sixty I find that’s it’s hard to stay in shape. Nobody’s mistaken me for a beached whale yet but that day is not far off. I need will power but really just want to watch football and drink beer. What should I do?

Thanks,
Whale

Dear Mr. Whale:

The first thing you should do is GET YOUR ASS UP OFF THE COUCH! It is public enemy #1 in the fight to stay in shape. Keep moving. Step away from The NFL Today and go outside, walk around the block. Walk around two, three, four, try and break a sweat. Until the day comes when you can see your feet again or your elastic waistband pants stop expanding, keep moving. And as my mother would advise, stand up straight! It’s thinning. As for the beer, use it to wash your hair or unclog the sink.

Gail

Dear Gail: Why Are Men I Meet Only Sexually Available?

Dear Gail:
Why are the men I meet either available to me emotionally or available to me sexually but never both? Don’t we deserve both? – Andria

Dear Andria:
I hear you loud and clear. Getting both is like winning the billion dollar lottery or getting struck by lightning twice in one day. It’s a needle in a haystack situation and sadly my haystack is out of needles.

My dad used to say, “You just have to keep getting up to bat.” I hate baseball. Or that old stupid standby, “If you throw enough mud at the wall something’s going to stick.” Ever try to throw a man at a wall? My son’s old babysitter preached to me, “Men are like buses, there’s always another one.” Where? What time?

It’s my humble opinion men are sexually available until their last breath. Thank you, big Pharma. And a shout out to Nelson Rockefeller who actually took his last breath that way. The emotional part is definitely a challenge. There’s no pill for that as of this writing.

I say take a chance and learn to play Pickle Ball as it seems to be the answer for everything.

Gail

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

Drawing by Diane Bronstein. 

6 COMMENTS

  1. When my father was widowed at age 88, he shocked me with asking whether he had to be concerned about getting a venereal disease at assisted living. Oh no, I said, until my daughter corrected me. “Rampant,” she said.

    Advanced congestive heart disease and a host of other maladies disappointed him and the woman, ten years his junior, with whom he moved in. After he died at age 95, I found his pump, to pump up what had no longer been able to do its natural function. He was hopeful until the end!

  2. I have heard the same thing about venereal disease at assisted living facilities….everywhere. Your Dad had a girlfiend 10 years his junior; that is quite somethng at his age. Well my Dad watched porn until the end, also at 95. And alwyas flirted with his nurses. Boys to men and then men to boys .

  3. Dear Gail.

    Thought you would love to know about my Uncle Woody (Woodrow, but he was called “woody”) telling my sister he couldn’t afford his meds and
    medicare didn’t cover him. She looked into it only to find the only ‘meds’ he was taking at 92 was ‘the little blue pill’. My poor aunt who
    had 8 children with him. But wouldn’t you have rather lived this life than one without great sex and longevity?

    Men made in Montana

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Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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