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Dear Gail: Can You Survive Retirement?

Comedian Gail Forrest lends her understanding ear to a bored retiree and a man with the urgent need to pee.

Can You Survive Retirement?

Dear Gail:
I’m retired now, and have a lot more time on my hands. I think I should be looking for a hobby as boredom and complacency are setting in. I’m thinking about gardening as I love flowers and have only had indoor plants. Any gardening suggestions? Or any hobby ideas in general? Should I bowl?

Thanks,
Ms Hobby-Seeker

Dear Hobby-Seeker:
I agree, retirement can be more work than going to work. Having a job involved a time to get up, place to go and humans. Retirement has no time requirement and nowhere to go. A hobby is key to surviving all this freedom.

Gardening is a great idea! Go buy plants ASAP. I learned to garden during Covid and my plants actually were good company. I, however, take every death of a flower to heart and apologize as I throw each one in the trash. If you buy Geraniums know they are needy, want reassurance and cheering on.

I like biking as a hobby. It fills a lot of the day, and definitely saves money on gas if you do all your errands on two wheels instead of four. Beware of cars however – just assume they hate you and don’t care about any of your body parts.

And the big hobby winner these days is Pickleball. Everyone loves it. I’ve never tried but it’s all the rage and has everything: fun, socializing, exercise, and torn Achilles tendons. Keep an Orthopedist on speed dial.

Resist the urge to bowl.
Gail

Help Me, Prada

Dear Gail:
I am a 73-year-old man with a 73-year-old prostate. As I result, I increasingly need to urinate with very little warning.

This, on occasion, finds me out and about with an immediate need to pee, with no toilet in sight. With no other option, I have learned how to hide myself behind trees, cars, and down alleys in order to relieve myself. Is this wrong? What to do?

Peter

Dear Peter:
I can immediately assuage your guilt or shame by telling you that women have the same problem as they age. However we are not as lucky as men in terms of peeing speed and the easy access penis. It’s more labor intensive and depending on what you’re wearing requires very accurate aim. Personally I miss a lot and have ruined $300 jeans and my only pair of Manolos.

Men have it much easier in terms of limited visibility as it’s easy to duck behind a tree and not be seen or make a quick trip behind a dumpster. Most women squat which takes maneuvering and is easily noticed. I have been a look-out wingman in alleys and in bushes for my girlfriends, who btw are far more skilled at this than I am. I’m hoping that Prada comes out with a line of quick release panties so if I am caught peeing the first thing you notice is the word PRADA in big print across the back.
Gail

Need advice? Gail wants to hear from you. Send your letters, questions, and quandaries to: newsletter@weareageist.com

See medical disclaimer below. ↓

10 COMMENTS

  1. I have a friend who once had to pee while on the Kennedy Expressway. The problem was the traffic was all backed up and not movingShe was in the far right lane and decided to open the passenger door, crouch down and pee. My friend is a ver cute blonde and the truck driver in the next lane thought she was in trouble so he ran to her rescue just to find my cute friend peeing with her pants down…. needless to say … they were both embarrassed

  2. Gail…

    If you find and buy some of those PRADA quick-release panties, please let me know as soon as you take delivery of them.

    I have another idea on how they can be used we should perhaps explore together. Often.

  3. Great stuff!

    Re having to pee in while in cars – well, for guys, large empty bottles, for women, I dunno, empty coffee cans with lids? I thought this was pretty much an American highway tradition.

    Re plants being good company – I haven’t done any gardening, but since I moved and acquired a 5 acre spread out in the sticks, yes, when I go for walks, I find myself talking to the land, the grass, trees, birds, rabbits, etc. I even try to explain to my lawn grass why I have to have it cut now and then in the warm months.

    • I did not know peeing on the road was a “tradition”. It is so easy for guys to just pull over, step behind something or just out the window if it’s not windy. All I can say is I miss and that is not fun. I’d rather become toxic from holding it in.

      I talk to my plants a lot . They are all female and I cheer them on. I think it’s good to talk to nature and nuture it in your own way. As for cutting the grass….maybe the grass expects it!

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The ideas expressed here are solely the opinions of the author and are not researched or verified by AGEIST LLC, or anyone associated with AGEIST LLC. This material should not be construed as medical advice or recommendation, it is for informational use only. We encourage all readers to discuss with your qualified practitioners the relevance of the application of any of these ideas to your life. The recommendations contained herein are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. You should always consult your physician or other qualified health provider before starting any new treatment or stopping any treatment that has been prescribed for you by your physician or other qualified health provider. Please call your doctor or 911 immediately if you think you may have a medical or psychiatric emergency.

Gail Forresthttp://www.gailforrest.com
Gail Forrest is a comedy writer and stand up comic. She studied at Second City in Chicago and has performed at Pretty Funny Women and Flappers in LA, as well as Second City to name a few. She has a published book Gonepausal on Amazon about women in midlife and is working on a new book which includes men and promises to be just as funny with even more insights on aging.

 

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