Often we have 10 great women for every great guy to interview. The guys get shy, and the women shine. But the guys are struggling, and it shows — men our age are also far more likely to die by suicide, or by deaths of despair than women. This is a problem hidden in plain sight, filled with controversy and history. I get it: the patriarchy is real, the ERA was only passed in 1972, and women’s earnings for equal work shamefully lag behind men’s. These things can and do co-exist with a crisis of men’s mental health, which is not good for anyone.
Part of the issue seems to be that we men have a bias towards action, while women have a bias towards careful examination — this is not iron clad, just a broad generalization. But if the man’s thing is action, and one is experiencing a decline in physical power, a decline in influence at work, and perhaps a decline in family influence, things can get weird. Given the history of sexism and gender identification prejudice, this pro-men stance may strike some as anti-women, which I emphatically refute. Masculinity is not all toxic. This is not a zero sum game; better men make better husbands, fathers and community members. Lost, failing men are a real problem; just look around.
I see some of my guy friends, some who were quite successful, making declarative statements around getting the mail: The mail is here; I’ll get the mail; I am getting the mail; hey, I have the mail. Weirdly demonstrative statements indicating that they still matter, they have agency, and look, here is the evidence. Scott Galloway speaks eloquently about the crisis of men, mostly younger men. There was a wonderful article in the Washington Post by Christine Emba recently covering this. One of the best things we can do for younger men, us being older guys, is to model how to behave with integrity.
Women have groups, which are great. Guys need groups, too; it just seems so much harder for us. In the absence of positive men’s groups, what can happen is the negative, victim-oriented, chest-thumping, toxic-male dominance stuff that seems to be getting unfortunate traction with some younger guys. I’ve belonged to a few very positive men’s organizations, and lead a men’s over-40 fitness group. These are such supportive communities. Sure, we tease each other, and at a certain level all men’s stuff can fall into the “pushups and money” dialogue, but this is oftentimes just our way of saying we care.
With the loss of so many of the gathering spaces of the past — the corner diner, the bowling league, and the other various local organizations — it has become harder to connect. We absolutely need to go the extra mile to make it happen, not only for ourselves and our families but for all those younger guys who are watching us and taking note. Get out there, start something or be a joiner. Be supportive. Invite someone. Be helpful and be easy to help. Listen. There is a higher calling out there waiting for you beyond just getting the mail.
David
