We often hear that, as people grow older, they declare they don’t care much what people think about them. This may be partially true, we certainly don’t have the social obsessions that teens suffer under, but to say that we don’t care how others think about us seems extreme. What is more likely is that we have come to understand that others don’t judge us nearly as hard as we judge ourselves. The people in our lives are actually quite accommodating. Of course we care what they think of us, but the realization of age is that the big bad judge of ourselves is us, not them. We need to give some slack to ourselves, because others seem fine with who we are.
This realization is incredibly freeing. It allows us to try and to fail, it allows us to experiment, to appreciate that our wins and losses are of pretty much the same value if we can learn from them. This is also not to say that we are invisible. This is one of those myths of aging that we hear quite often. We may be regarded differently than we were years ago, and this could be interpreted as being unseen, but it is not the same thing. Invisibility is a choice, and it can be a wonderfully comforting choice. One can also choose to be visible, be heard, and be taken into account, or not. Either is fine, just different. One of the things I have learned to do recently is to state when I need help: “This is my first time; could you show me how to do this?” or, “My knee is a bit sore today; would you mind helping me with these packages?” It means that I don’t have to be perfect, and it creates and opportunity for someone to engage with me. Pro tip: be easy to help.
Shame is right up there with death in terms of what we will do anything to avoid. We are social by nature, and the threat of being shunned by the group is hardwired into us as being something truly scary. But when was the last time you did anything that was embarrassing to you and caused you to be an outcast from your group? Maybe age 12? The illusion of rejection, of being shunned, can cause us to limit ourselves and our desire for expansive experiences. The truth is, if you are actually trying to build a bigger life and you, for some reason, find your clan to be less than supportive, it could be time to upgrade your social life. Real friends don’t envy, don’t try to pull you down, and don’t endlessly criticize. Personally, if someone is cheering me on, they are keepers. Of course, if I am up to something truly harmful, my actual friends will gently let me know that maybe I should take an off-ramp and re-appraise.
Onward and upward,
David
