How about we think of friendship as a verb, a conscious action taken to sustain and deepen the key relationships in our lives? Sometimes it’s fun, sometimes effortful, and occasionally it’s hard. Unless we put in the effort, our friend circle is guaranteed to shrink. Just as we need to nurture our bodies, if we want to lead long, healthy lives, we need to look after our relationships. Studies say that loneliness is up there with smoking in terms of negative health outcomes. And this is not just about you, it is also about those other people, your friends, who need you and your connection as much as you need theirs. We can be lulled into assuming that, with all the swirling daily nebula of digital communication, we can sit back, take a break, and lean on our friend laurels, but we are mistaken. Instagram and its brethren are not friendship — those are dopamine hits when we are after oxytocin.
Some people have said that our actual friends probably only number 5 or 6, and that from there we have a circle of regular acquaintances and then casual acquaintances. Perhaps 150 is around the maximum number of people we can manage to keep track of, and beyond that, we get into a less connected realm. What interests me in these numbers is that as the tight circle of close friends will naturally decline — people move, people die, or sometimes no longer fit with who we have become — to use a rather blunt sales term, we need a friend pipeline to bring other possible close friends in. It is sort of like friend dating, exploring who may be a good friend and showing up to see if it is a good match. Women seem to have an easier time at this, but men, especially if there is some sort of bonding project or mission, can do ok. We men are not naturally wired to communicate the way women are, so as a gender we tend toward more loneliness. Guys, being tough actually means being vulnerable enough to take a chance on making a connection.
We all need to be taking daily action to stay in touch with our existing posse. Phone calls and outings are best, as the deeper the level of communication the more feel-good hormones we share. Secondly, we need to not only stay open to new friends, but to actively pursue them. This can be challenging as, if you are anything like me, we tend to compare any new people with the decades-long relationships we already have. Hint: the new ones won’t ever measure up, yet, but given an open mind and some good friend follow through, they may in the future. It all starts with saying hello, paying attention, asking questions, and making a kind effort to stay in touch. Not so bad, right?
Onward and upward,
David
