Today is a bit bleak. According to Aristotle, realizing potential is the key to a happy life. I aspire to be the poster guy for what is possible, and today, not much is possible. Stuck in a hotel in Sun Valley, Idaho, when I should be on the hill continuing my quixotic ski racing. The back of my knee is badly swollen, probably synovial fluid from the front filling a bursa in the back. This puts pressure on the nerves and tendons making it painful to walk, let alone ski race. Yesterday, I competed in my first Super G race- exhilarating. Partially because my skill level is not awesome, and of course I can’t really push with confidence on my left leg, in my first run I was dead last. The second run was 6 seconds faster, and I finished towards the middle of the back. The reality is most of the people here have been doing this for at least 20 years, and sometimes 40 years. As much as I commit to training and studying, enthusiasm is not the same as experience and skill. These people are far, far better than I am at this, which I accept, begrudgingly. As I said, not in a great space today.
I look out at the mountain here, grey skies threatening rain, I wonder why I am doing something that I will never be great at, when there are several other things I am truly great at. Maybe it is the learning, maybe it is the challenge, maybe it is ego that says I can do anything I put my mind to. This ski racing quest takes a huge amount of my time and energy, which I could be using to get my long-awaited book written, among other things on my endless to-do list. Maybe high speed ski racing is actually less risky than writing the book? The known risk being less threatening than the unknown future? Funny how we make choices like that.
The definitions of the word surrender include capitulation, and also to “lay down arms and switch to the winning side.” When to stop, what lane to pursue, these are questions of acceptance, divining the limits of capacity, of possibly seeming to be a disappointment in others’ eyes, and of using a chosen and known “hard” to perhaps avoid a more meaningful unknown “hard.” This last one troubles me. Many times I have seen high achievers push in one direction, while sorely letting go of other things, such as their family. Were they fulfilling their full potential as human beings? Big decisions are often confused behind a smoke screen of self-serving fictions. Untangling them is the work of a lifetime. I, for one, have gotten it wrong more times than I can count. Life is wondrous; it can also be confounding.
Onward and upward,
David
